You Asked?
What About Time Out?
This response comes from
Ethel F. Quiring and Dr. Hugh Savage
Q. I have encountered several people who use times out with their children and who have described to me how they use the technique. These descriptions have prompted me to wonder about the technique. What did Adler and Dreikurs have to say about it? What Adlerian principles are involved? What cautions need to be observed in its use?
A. Thanks for your question about time out. As far as we can see, there is no specific mention by either Adler or Dreikurs about this technique. Adler dealt with principles rather than suggesting specific techniques in parenting. Dreikurs involved others, like Vicki Soltz, in presenting techniques that apply Adlerian principles. The book, Children: The Challenge, is an example. In this book, the expression time out is not used. It does talk about the principle of withdrawing from a conflict situation. The “bathroom technique” is one example of applying withdrawal from conflict.
The first mention of time out as a specific technique that we have found is in Jane Nelson’s 1980 book, Positive Discipline. But Nelson gives very specific guidelines for using what she calls "positive time out." On p. 187 she specifies what some of these guidelines are:
§ The rationale is explained in advance of any use of the technique;
§ the children help plan how they can use time out to make them feel better; and
§ the time out is followed by the encouraging instructions to come back when the child is ready.
This is not an exhaustive list of guidelines, but it indicates that definite guidelines need to be followed if the technique is to be kept from becoming punishment. Jane Nelsen and H. Stephen Glenn have devoted a complete book to the issue. It is titled Time Out: abuses and effective uses (1991, 1992). The 1993 book by Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn, Positive Discipline A to Z, also addresses the time out issue.
In the parenting literature in general, time out has become a very popular technique of behavior management; however, it is often applied in a punitive way. Alfie Kohn in his book, Unconditional Parenting, is very critical of the procedure because of the way it is advocated in much of this literature. As with all techniques, it must be evaluated in light of the underlying principles that govern Adlerian understandings of human development and of humanity. Some of those basic Adlerian principles are:
§ All people including children need to belong and not feel rejected or isolated;
§ the goal of any particular behavior must be taken into account (not just the goals of disturbing behavior);
§ people are more likely to contribute when they are encouraged than when they are rewarded, punished, or ostracized; and
§ all people need to be in charge of their own behavior rather than having that behavior dictated by others.
Most importantly, the goal of all positive parenting is to develop in our children social interest; in Adler’s words – “to see with the eyes of another, to hear with the ears of another, to feel with the heart of another” – so that the world can become a better place.
See link for a reproducible handout about Time Out. This handout can be found in Respectful, Responsible Parenting: A Facilitator’s Guide, Revised Edition.